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A Christmas Story
When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce
toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas
pressure.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa
even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to
give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows
where.
Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy
bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.
So, frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a
shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the
cider and hidden the rum.
In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke
into
hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off
the end
of the broom.
Just then the doorbell rang and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it
open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely
day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick
it?
And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree. Hee! Hee! Jingle Balls, Jingle Balls!!! Giggle! Tags: christmas story humor
Current Location: living room
Current Mood:  happy
Current Music: none
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A funny way to greet the day! Enjoy!! Carole
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,
'How old was your husband?' '98,' she replied.
'Two years older than me'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented.
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?
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Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
'And what do you think is the best thing
about being 104?' the reporter asked.
She simply replied, 'No peer pressure.'
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The nice thing about being senile is
you can hide your own Easter eggs.
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I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia.
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my Florida driver's license.
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I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape,
so I got my doctor's permission to
join a fitness club and start exercising.
I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But,
by the time I got my leotards on,
the class was over.
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An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and
told her preacher she had two final requests.
First, she wanted to be cremated, and second,
she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.
'Wal-Mart?' the preacher exclaimed.
'Why Wal-Mart?'
'Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week'
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My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
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Know how to prevent sagging?
Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
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It's scary when you start making the same noises
as your coffee maker.
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These days about half the stuff
in my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'
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THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell the difference.
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Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others. Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember them!
Always Remember This:
You don't stop laughing because you grow old,
You grow old because you stop laughing
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Tags: humor old
Current Location: living room
Current Mood:  silly
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So, bmshirts, your LiveJournal reveals...
You are... 22% unique (blame, for example, your interest in jake slash) and 0% herdlike. When it comes to friends you are popular. In terms of the way you relate to people, you are keen to please. Your writing style (based on a recent public entry) is conventional.
Your overall weirdness is: 85(The average level of weirdness is: 28.
You are weirder than 96% of other LJers.)
Find out what your weirdness level is!
You could also try The Blogalyser, which looks at your writing style. If you're a reader, try What Should I Read Next?, which I co-created. If you're a writer, try my headline and title phrase generator. Live in the UK? Try the compare your spending tool to see if you're a spendthrift or a miser! This thingumajig was created © 2007/8 by Andrew Chapman.
Contact me to commission writing work, puzzles and internet tools like this! ... Tags: weird test
Current Location: home
Current Mood:  curious
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Hi. To anyone I owe a comment to or to have read a story or chapter, I lost DSL early Saturday morning and just got it back. I haven't died, dropped off the face of the earth or quit BBM, RPS, Slash, AU or AU!AU (I think that covers it!) I just couldn't do anything all weekend. I haven't forgotten you. I will read/comment ASAP.
Sorry. Carole Tags: au, au!au, bbm, rps, silence, slash
Current Location: living room
Current Mood:  pissed off
Current Music: teeth gnashing
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So True! John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several
hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets', and ten roosters, whose
job it was to fertilize the eggs.
The farmer kept records, and any rooster that didn't perform went into
the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time, so
he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each
bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance which
rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an
efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favorite rooster was old Butch; a very fine specimen he
was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell
hadn't rung at all! John we! nt to investigate. The other roosters were
chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters
coming, would run for cover.
But to Farmer John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so
it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to
the next one. John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the
Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the
judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they
awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well. Clearly old Butch was a
politician in the making: who else but a politician could figure out how
to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the
best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't
paying attention.
Vote carefully this year ... you can't always hear the bells!
Tags: joke?
Current Location: living room
Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: none
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